The Blotch
by Invader Hera
Summary: A mysterous tiki tells Zim that the Blotch can tell him how to take over the world. As he searches for this supposedly all knowing person, he meets up with another Invader with the same goal. It's better than it sounds, and rated just to be safe.
1. Let Me Tell You How it All Began

The Blotch

By Invader Hera

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader ZIM or related characters. Jhonen Vasquez does. I do own Invader Hera and Lulu, the SIR. Also, I own Oahu, the tiki statue dude, (whom I got for about $10). Methinks that's all.

Author's Note: Booya! Invader Hera has returned with another badly written product of my infinitesimally small mind! Didja miss me? No? Fine, be that way! Please review, but don't flame me, 'cuz it's nasty!

Chapter 1: Let Me Tell You How it All Began…

On the planet Earth, deep underground, was a lab. A dark, strange place where one creature worked. And for the past few weeks, this creature had toiled and labored day and night to make the one thing capable of destroying the planet…indirectly…that is. But, I can't tell you what it is yet. You need a bit of background information. Well, actually, a lot…of background information.

First of all, this creature I speak of is Zim, a short, little Irken invader. See him there, building a big machine? How cute. To properly explain these recent events to you, let us go back in time a bit….

Zim was currently experimenting with making pineapples into homing missiles. To be completely blunt, he wasn't doing so well. Because, as everyone knows, pears make the best missiles. Anyway, after all these failures, Zim was getting desperate. What would the Tallest think if he didn't take over this planet after three years when every other invader was already done?

He bared his odd, little teeth, glaring at the disobedient fruits with all his might. "What is wrong with you, stupid Earth food?" he hissed. "You won't blow up; you won't target things! The only thing menacing about you is your spiky leaves!"

Just as he was kicking the nearest pineapple, he heard the sound of the elevator behind him and a familiar, obnoxious voice.

"Hey, there! Looky what I found!" And with that, the short robot tossed something at him.

Zim looked at the strange object as it slid across the floor to rest at his feet. It seemed to be a creepy wooden statue about a foot tall of a creature with a very unpleasant expression on its face. Along its base were carved symbols of an unknown meaning.

"Gir! What have a told you about leaving old junk in my lab!"

"But, Master, it's magical! That's what the hobo told me!"

Kicking the statue away, the distraught alien gave his grinning SIR another glare. "You think this is funny? The last time you left something here, this place started to smell like stink humans…and feet!"

"That's because I hid road kill in the pipes in the ceiling! Magical wood thingies don't smell!" Gir informed him as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Just get out and let me work!" So Gir did exactly that with naught but a skip and grin, riding the elevator away as quickly as he had come.

"That stupid robot!" Zim snarled. "When will he ever learn?" He glanced at the statue laying a couple feet away. It was turned so its hideous face seemed to stare almost grumpily up at him.

"Stupid junk," he said to himself. "I'll get rid of it tomorrow." And he turned back to the pineapples that caused him so much distress these days and continued with his work.

As it ended up, Zim did not dispose of the statue the next day, or the next. He could not bring himself to touch it or even get close. And yes, he could have the computer sweep it away, but something about the object intrigued him. Very much so. It seemed to give off some sort of a vibe, for lack of a better word. A sense of mystery and power that even his amazing, Irken brain could not comprehend.

Zim found himself glancing over his shoulder every so often as he worked, as if expecting the statue to come to life, or at least be found in a different place, seeming to have moved all on its own. But, as you, my dear reader, must know, statues aren't alive and certainly don't walk around. Well, normally I would agree with you, but this was no ordinary statue.

A few days later, Zim was still unsuccessful in his attempts to make pineapple weapons. And as the twenty-third pineapple that day failed to meet his criteria, he yelled, reaching up towards the sky, something one would never think to hear from such an arrogant creature. "I need help!"

At that moment, as cliché as this may sound, the sky suddenly darkened. Gir, who sat upstairs, moaned in disappointment as the power went out, along with it the image of his beloved Scary Monkey. Outside, dark clouds writhed in the sky above, lightning forked down from the heavens, and as a crimson moon momentarily peeked through its misty shroud, there was a sudden crash of thunder. And down in the lab, after a brief moment of darkness, the lights came back on, powered by an emergency generator, just in time for something strange to happen.

Zim spun around to see green smoke swirling up from where the statue had previously lain. Moments later, the wooden monstrosity appeared on the table nearby. Squinty eyes glared into his own, teeth bared in a sadistic grin, it spoke in a booming voice from its unmoving lips that echoed throughout the room.

"You asked for assistance, short one?"

Forgetting his former surprise, Zim spat back, "Short? I'm twice you're size, Earth trash!"

"Size is not only a physical thing, O feeble-minded mortal!"

"Feeble, you…"

"Silence!" the statue shouted in a voice filled with such command and authority, even Zim didn't dare disobey. "You asked for assistance, and I shall give it! Unless you'd rather continue your foolhardy attempts on your own!"

Zim, after thinking a moment, replied, "I'm listening."

"What is it you wish?" the statue asked. "For, I, Oahu, know far more than any of this world! Speak and your questions shall be answered?"

"Well…how do I take over the world? You have any advise on _that, _wood beast?"

"That, I cannot tell you."

"Why not?" Zim asked, outraged. "I thought you knew everything!"

"Did I say that?" Oahu asked. "Nay, but I _do _know who _can _help you…."

Zim, hands on his skinny hips, exclaimed, "You're a liar!"

The statue seemed to think a moment before answering. "Hmm…yes, I guess I am. But, forget about that! Only one thing knows more than I. And that thing is called…"

The statue fell silent, and Zim stared at it impatiently. "Well?"

"Hey, I needed a dramatic pause, and you just ruined it. Anyway, that one person is called…the Blotch."

"The Blotch? What all-knowing creature would call itself the Blotch?" Zim stuck out his tongue in disapproval.

"Yes, yes," Oahu sighed. "A very unattractive name, I agree. (Not as elegant as mine.) But, that's not the point. The Blotch surely knows the answer to what you seek."

"Okay, where do I find this…Blotch thing?" Zim asked.

"Along the beach to the east, you will find among the rocks the entrance to an ancient temple, long ago abandoned by the sea nymphs when it dried out," the statue explained, "It is there that the Blotch seeks refuge, hiding from the paranormal investigators that keep trying to put him on their so-called 'Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mysteries' show. (Which I have seen a couple of times. Didn't care for it.) Does this information please you?"

Zim shrugged. "I guess so."

"Well, I must go. But, before I leave…"

The little alien eyed Oahu suspiciously, "Yes?"

"Do you have any money? I was thinking of getting something from Krazy Taco before I left."

"Statues can't eat!" Zim scoffed rudely.

The statue muttered under its breath, "Tell that to the last kid I ate." In a voice meant for Zim to hear, "Forget it. I'll just go nibble on the neighbors' dog a bit. Farewell!" And with that, the little statue vanished in a puff of green smoke.

Zim stood in silence for a moment, his amazing brain still not completely able to comprehend what he had just seen. Finally, he spoke to the empty room, "The Blotch, eh? Maybe it will be the key to my problems." Zim grinned. "Then, I can prove my worth to the Tallest. Excellent!"

Marching to the elevator (which had regained normal power along with everything else in his lair), the Irken rode upwards to where Gir was, once again, watching the Scary Monkey Show.

"Gir, we have a job to do!" he yelled, pointing dramatically upward. "Come with me!"

"But, I wanna watch the Scary Monkey Show!" Gir shrieked, tears coming to his eyes.

"Oh, quit you're whining! That show is nothing but reruns anyway!" Zim gave the TV a quick, well-deserved glare. "That monkey…"

So the two put on their disguises, Gir with a little less than enthusiasm, and marched outside. The rain from earlier was already gone, and the night sky was perfectly clear, lit by the bright moon floating above. And so, the two set off, in search of the mysterious Blotch and Zim's answer to ruling this filthy planet. Oh, how sweet that would be!


	2. They're Everywhere

Author's Note: Just so ya know, I don't own Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

Chapter 2: They're Everywhere

It all started a month or two ago, around the time when Dib had noticed a strange "star" falling to Earth. At least, it looked like a star at the time. But, now he wasn't so sure.

A few days after the star sighting, Dib was outside when he noticed a strange, pale girl with bright orange hair, a vivid green shirt, and a long, purple skirt that brushed along the ground as she walked. She hopped and stumbled along the sidewalk, hiding behind random objects that she passed, looking around with shifty eyes, before turning and sprinting to the next telephone pole or bush to hide and glare some more. And even after seeing all this strange behavior from this tackily-dressed girl, the skirt was what gave him a bad feeling. Simply that, the skirt.

And about a week later, he noticed a blue-haired girl about the same height hiding under a table in MacMeatie's. She wore a white shirt and a yellow skirt, same length as the previous one.

Over the past weeks, he had seen more strangely-clad girls prancing about. One perched atop the dumpster behind Krazy Taco, one hiding among clothes racks in a department store, and even one lurking among the bushes of his neighbors' three houses down. Coincidence? He thought not. And as he passed by one on the street, he thought he heard the slight clinking of metal….

So Dib, being the nerdy, little boy that he was, decided to investigate. Every time he saw one, he took her picture and wrote down when and where he saw her. During the first month after seeing the "star", he had a list of at least fifteen "Strange Girl Sightings". Every one was the same height, acted very strangely, wore tacky clothes, and possessed a long skirt.

One day, the large-headed boy was sitting in his room, reading off his list. "Number one, 3:26 AM, Wednesday, rummaging through the neighbor's trash. Number two, 8:04 PM, Thursday, hiding amongst the apples at the grocery store. Number three…"

"Dib!" Gaz pounded on his door so hard, he was afraid she'd punch through it.

"What!" he yelled in annoyance. He needed to solve this mystery. He couldn't waste time talking to Gaz. What if this was one of Zim's weird plans?

"Open the door! Now!"

Dib muttered some bad things under his breath, then, got up and obeyed. Gaz was standing there, which didn't surprise him. But, he was shocked to see a girl standing next to her. This girl had long purple hair, a blue shirt…and a black skirt.

"This is Mildred," Gaz said. "She likes video games, and she hates you! So leave us alone, or I'll rip off your enormous head and shove it up your…"

"Okay, okay!" Dib exclaimed, getting his voice back. "I got it!"

Before they headed for Gaz's room, Dib could've sworn Mildred gave him a malicious smirk before turning and following his creepy sister (with a clinking sound, slightly muffled by the carpet). He watched her go, then, decided enough was enough. These…"things"…were creeping him out. Maybe his dad would know who they were.

So Dib quickly closed his bedroom door, then, ran down into the basement where his father, Professor Membrane, was working.

"Dad! I need your help! I've been seeing these…"

"Is this about your foreign friend again?" Professor Membrane sighed. He didn't remember how many times his crazy son had tried to blame Zim as being an alien.

"No! Well, at least, I don't know yet! But, listen to me! I've been seeing these weird girls and…"

His father interrupted him once again. "Son, you're getting to the age where you're going to start liking girls. It's completely normal."

"Dad, you're not even listening! I keep seeing these really weird girls…and…and…they wear skirts and sound like they have metal feet!" Dib yelled.

"Now, stop making up rumors about people. If this girl won't go out with you, then, just accept it and move on. And if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. I think I've found a way toast can cure cancer!"

"Yeah, great," Dib muttered glumly, and left for his room. Back upstairs, he sat down at his desk and started going over his list again, while Boulevard of Broken Dreams played loudly from his sister's room.

"Number three, 2:13 PM, Friday, behind a tree outside Ms. Bitters's classroom. Number four…" Dib yawned. It was getting late, and he hadn't gotten much sleep lately, what with searching for psycho skirt-wearers all the time.

Dib put on his pajamas and tried to sleep, but he couldn't no matter how much he tried. Not only was Gaz's loud music keeping him up, but thoughts of those strange girls ("Or girl", he muttered, though every one looked different.) and of how his dad didn't listen to a word he said. Weren't parents supposed to listen to their kids?

A few hours later, the clock said 1:19, and Dib was still awake. Finally, Gaz's late-staying friend was leaving, as he guessed from hearing Gaz's bedroom door open and those clinking footsteps go by. As Dib watched the shadow pass beneath his door, he got an idea.

He got dressed and waited until it seemed Mildred would be outside, then, he went out as well. As he had hoped, he saw her silhouette a fair distance away. That way, she would be less likely to notice him. And so, taking a deep breath, he followed.


	3. Mildred Reveals Herself

Chapter 3: Mildred Reveals Herself

It didn't take long before Zim and Gir arrived at the beach, which was, obviously, empty, considering the time of day…er…night. The waves were very quiet and the only sound they heard was the cry of a lone seagull.

Zim put his little hands on his hips. "So this is where the supposedly 'ingenious' Blotch beast is hiding? Well, its intelligence is nothing compared to mine! I shall find it with ease! Oh, yes! Come, Gir! Let us begin our search!"

So the two began their long trek towards a rocky area of beach over to their right. And I say "long" trek for two reasons. One, it was fairly far away. And two, Zim and Gir were so short that every time they took a step, they sank up to their wastes in the loose sand. After almost a half hour of this, Zim grew impatient and chanced walking with the spider-legs in his PAK, hoping no human would notice.

"Hey, wait up!" Gir yelled, jumping and stumbling through the sand until he tripped over a rock and fell.

The Irken growled in annoyance before going back and retrieving his sandy robot. "Don't make another sound or you're walking yourself!"

Not long later, they came upon the rocks, which were much easier to walk around. But, they were slick with horrible water, the one substance the great Zim feared. So he lowered himself back onto the ground after dropping Gir and held out his hand.

Gir stood staring at him. "What?"

"Paste, Gir! I need paste!"

"Oh, yeah!" And out popped a glue stick from Gir's head. Zim caught it and rubbed it all over himself as if it were suntan lotion. And after the little robot got the glue back (so he could chew on it), they continued on with their quest.

Zim marched regally onward, looking for any signs of Blotch-hideouts among the rocks. Behind him, when Gir was done with his midnight snack, he started imitating the sandpipers; running towards the ocean as the waves receded, then, running away as the waves chased after him. But, of course, Zim scolded him and put an end to his fun when he heard too much giggling.

It was about an hour before Zim noticed an alcove hidden in the rocks. He quickly ran over to investigate. Running his hands along the rough surface, he found a crack. Tugging on it, he found that it was a door. And using his amazing Zimmy strength, he managed to move the immensely heavy object…with the help of Gir and the missiles hidden in his head….

"We're one step closer to my goal!" Zim exclaimed. And the two went forward into the dark passageway, lit only by the moon outside, and a faint glimmer of light from within.

The girl seemed to wind her way through the dark, city streets in no particular order or pattern. But, by the time Dib realized she was actually leading him, fully aware of his presence far behind, it was too late.

Dib was tired. He had been chasing this "Mildred" for over an hour. And when she disappeared in an alleyway, he hardly had enough strength left to follow her in. But, as he rounded the corner and walked slowly forward, he knew he had lost her. She was nowhere to be seen.

But, suddenly, he heard something behind him. The sound of someone or something landing with a soft thunk on the dirty ground. And when he spun around, there was Mildred.

"Freeze, Venus-ling!" she yelled. Before he could reply, her body split in two. The top half jumped clear of the legs and stood there in front of him; a previously hidden rope lying limply beneath its severed torso. And as Dib looked on in horror, the skirt was thrown free to reveal a purple-eyed robot not unlike Gir; and the shirt was also discarded. And as the hologram covering the face disappeared, a short, red-garbed Irken girl was revealed. The moon glinted off her glaring purple eyes and her curled antennae lay back aggressively on her head. They both struck an action pose, the robot clawing at the air and hissing.

"You…uh…what…you…you!" Dib kept pointing at the two creatures standing in front of him.

"Silence! You've been following us, you bloody cheese-rat! Surrender now, for your planet's mine!" the Irken yelled in a squeaky voice.

Remembering her previous statement, Dib said, "Uh…this isn't Venus. This is Earth."

"What? Don't lie to me!" the alien hissed.

Behind her, the robot shrieked, "I toldya it was the next one, but you wouldn't listen!"

"Be quiet, Lulu!" the alien bellowed. "I will NOT take such insolence!"

As the alien and the supposedly-named "Lulu" turned on each other, antennae back, fists raised, and teeth bared, Dib asked, "Uh…excuse me, but…what's going on?"

They both turned and stared at him. Then, the Irken, finding her voice again, spoke. "I am Invader Hera, and I have come to conquer Ve…I mean…uh…Eart'!"

"It's Earth," Dib corrected.

"Yes!" Hera shrieked, hands in the air. She seemed unsure of what else to say. After a few moments, she said in a very unconvincing manner, "Uh…bow to me, slave. Now. Yeah…"

Waiting for a few moments to make sure the Irken was finished with her pitiful speech, Dib said, "Someone else is already is trying to take over Earth. You're late."

Hera stared at him, unblinking. Lulu started looking around in boredom and twiddling her thumbs. "Who?" she finally asked.

"Zim," was the answer.

"Oooooh…this is…awkward. Well, then…now _I'm _taking over…uh…this place."

"Earth."

"Yes, yes, Earth," Hera muttered absently-mindedly to herself. "I should've known Venus didn't have so many critters…."

Dib, not liking the idea of having two invaders fighting for his planet, suggested, "Why don't you go and take over Venus? It's the next planet over."

"Toldya so!" Lulu whispered.

Hera, ignoring her rude robot, shook her head. "Nah, my ship crashed. Lulu spilled eggnog and it destroyed _EVERYTHING_!" She swept her arms in front of her during the last word.

"Oh, well, that's unfortunate," Dib mumbled gloomily, more to himself than her.

"Yes, it is. I know this may sound weird, but could I stay with you until I destroy your race?" Hera asked, forcing a grin.

"Why don't you just fix your ship and go?"

"I can't find it," the Irken stated simply.

"The clooowwwns took it!" Lulu said, quite seriously.

"No, you're not staying with me!"

"Please?" Hera clasped her hands and batted her "eyelashes".

"No! You want to kill everyone!"

"Pleeeeaaaase?" Now Lulu was forcing herself to cry and pleading him as well.

"I said no!" Dib yelled.

The robot sprung forward and grabbed Dib's legs. "Please? We'll wuv you forever if you say yes!"

Hera took out her laser and pointed it at Dib's immense head. "How about now?"

The boy stared at the laser, the smirking alien, the robot wailing at his feet, then back at the laser. "Sure," he croaked, "Why not?"

"Good boy!" Hera petted his head. "Now lead us home!"

And he did (with a laser against the back of his head and every missile, turret, cannon, gun, and crossbow within Lulu's head pointed at him). It was going to be a long week. A very, very long week.


	4. Everyone Wants to Visit the Blotch

Chapter 4: Everyone Wants to Visit the Blotch

When Dib got home, Hera and Lulu sat down on the couch and started watching TV.

I'm glad they feel at home, Dib thought sarcastically.

"How long are you going to be staying here?" Dib asked.

"As long as it takes to kill off your race," the Irken answered casually.

"Any estimation…?"

"Nope."

"Nope," Lulu agreed.

As Dib watched the two freaks, both out of their disguise, he got an idea. Dad _has _to believe me if he sees an actual alien in the house! he thought.

So he ran downstairs as quickly as he could…to find that Professor Membrane wasn't there. "Dang it!" Dib yelled. He glared angrily at his dad's empty lab, fists clenched tightly. "Dang it, dang it, dang dang dang it!"

"Is somethin' wrong witchoo?" he heard the robot shriek from upstairs.

"No!" Dib yelled in annoyance.

After heaving a sigh of disappointment, Dib trudged back upstairs. Gaz must've heard his screams as well, for she was downstairs in a black nightgown of doom, giving him the evil eye.

"What are you doing!" she asked, eye twitching. "Am I going to have to kill you!"

Dib stared at her a moment, then, ran to the couch, pointing at Hera and Lulu, yelling frantically, "Gaz! Look! Another alien! We have to kill it!"

Gaz noticed them for the first time. "Yeah, so what?"

"They want to kill us all!"

"Look, if you just stop talking, I won't rip off your limbs until tomorrow," she said, then walked back upstairs, leaving Dib to stare after her in confusion.

When she was far enough away, he yelled, "Why do you want us all to die! Are you with THEM!"

From the shadows came a well-aimed shoe, which bonked him squarely on his gigantic noggin. "I'm sticking needles in your voodoo doll now!" Gaz screamed angrily, then, slammed her door shut.

"She doesn't like you," Hera pointed out.

"Oh, really!" Dib yelled sarcastically. "I didn't notice!"

Once again ignorant of his impoliteness, she said, "Well, you should be more observant."

"I desire a sandwich!" Lulu declared. Jumping off the couch, she went to fulfill her craving. (This is a perfect example of why robots shouldn't have human qualities. They'll eat all your food and turn your house into disarray and chaos.)

"Sit next to me! I'm loooonely!" Hera groaned.

Dib glared, then, obeyed, not in the mood for an argument. "Can I at least watch what _I _want to watch?"

"Okey dokey, artichokey!" and handed him the remote.

Dib, turning down the volume to avoid reawakening his sister's wrath, changed the channel to Mysterious Mysteries. He had missed part of it, to his regret, but luckily, it was a rerun anyway. It seemed as if fate was at work here…

On the TV was a hideous fat man, screaming hysterically, grunting, and snorting. A group of people in the foreground were chanting, "The Blotch knooooows! The Blotch knoooows!"

Hera, who was suddenly interested, got closer to the TV. Lulu came into the room with a corn and maple syrup sandwich (along with some salty lemonade. Mmm mmm good).

On the TV, the host asked, "What exactly does the Blotch know?"

The girl he was speaking to answered, "Uh…I don't know…the future? It's kinda hard to make out."

Hera jumped to her feet. "That is the answer! If the Blotch knows the future, surely he can help me with taking over Venus!"

"Earth!" Dib exclaimed. "Stop getting it wrong!"

"Uh…you didn't let me finish my sentence. I was gonna say the planet _next _to Venus….Yeah…and it's Earth." Hera cleared her throat, then, addressed her robot, who was munching her sandwich with content, "Come, Lulu-san! We need to find this intelligent fat man!"

Lulu swallowed her snack (including her plate, cup, and napkin) then, opened up the top of her head. Some clothes popped out, which they quickly donned, and then, they marched out, once again as Mildred.

Dad missed another alien, Dib thought. "I'm just going to bed."

And as Dib lumbered tiredly upstairs, Hera searched for whoever could lead her to the Blotch man. She searched the streets, alleys, and buildings (and scared a few people in a bathroom) until she found a hobo.

"Everyone knows hobos possess ALL kinds of knowledge!" Hera told her "legs".

Her legs made a muffled reply.

"No, Lulu!" After listening a few moments, Hera replied, "Fine, I'll get you ice cream once we take over the world. But, not yet!"

So she strutted over to the hobo and spread her arms wide. "O wise and homeless one! Tell me the way to the Blotch!"

The hobo stared at her silently, then, asked, "Yeh gots any alkyhol?"

"No, but I have this cool rubber band. It's green."

"And magical," said Lulu AKA Mildred's legs.

The hobo took the rubber band and looked at it closely. "Hmm, a green, magical rubber band, eh? Fair 'nough. Ah'll let yeh borrow me magical tiki. He'll know where t' find yer Blotch."

"Thanks, hobo-san." Hera took the statue from the man (who smelled of dirt and whiskey). The statue just happened to be Oahu, since the hobo just happened to be the one Gir met. (Aren't stories convenient?)

"Tell me, tiki. Where can I find the Blotch?" she asked, fully expecting the piece of wood to answer, and it did.

Oahu explained the way just as he had to Zim. Afterwards, he asked for a magical rubber band of his own, which Hera gladly gave to him. So the two set off, completely unaware that another invader was looking for the same thing.


	5. To the Blotch's Lair We Go

Author's Note: The lycanthrope is reference to me friend Rekka-the-insane-wolf-demon (Y'know, the wolf-demon part; she gave me permission to put her in here, just so you know.).

Chapter 5: Over the Beach and Through the Rocks, To the Blotch's Lair We Go

The place glimmered like a thousand gems. The walls and ceiling glittered with otherworldly beauty, but Zim noticed none of this. He was too busy searching for the Blotch.

"Where could that Blotch be?" Zim asked no one in particular. His voice echoed repeatedly in the narrow passageway.

"Dunno," Gir answered, as if the question were posed at him.

As they walked slowly along (for it was dark and hard to get around in there, despite the glittering walls), Gir stared in awe and wonder at the things around them. Huge murals of strange creatures and places lined the walls. If Gir had not been entranced by the pictures, he would've had enough questions to ask to drive Zim mad.

Zim turned down one hallway after another, Gir not too far behind. He may've been staring at the walls, but he was paying enough attention to what his Master was doing to keep from getting lost in the vast labyrinth.

"Whoo!" Gir exclaimed, his voice finally back to him. "Looky!" He was pointing at a picture of a lycanthrope slaughtering a unicorn. "Neat! I wanna draw like that!"

Zim glanced quickly back at him in annoyance. "Come, Gir! And keep quiet!"

Gir frowned, antenna drooping, but saw a mural of some fairies and was cheered up. He skipped after Zim with a renewed vigor. But, after a half hour or so, his chipper mood had once again disappeared.

"Master, do you hear something?" Gir whimpered.

Zim stopped and listened. "I hear nothing! Now stop lagging behind and walk!"

"But, I hear footsteps!"

"They're only our own!" Zim scoffed, then, continued forward, unheeding of his robot's warning. Gir looked nervously behind him, then, followed his Master again, staying closer behind than before.

But, as they progressed onward, Zim did hear the footsteps. Very much indeed. And though they seemed to come from right behind them, every time he looked back, he saw nothing.

Finally, Zim stopped so quickly, that Gir ran into his back. Turning around, he yelled, "Stop hiding and show yourselves, stink beasts!"

"Very well." A figure walked forward from the shadows, a strange girl about twice his height.

Discontented over the fact that a human saw him without his disguise (which him and Gir had taken off earlier), Zim spat, "Who are you, worm, and what do you want?"

The girl seemed to split in two, revealing herself to be an Irken and a SIR. "I am Invader Hera and this is Lulu! We seek the Blotch, so step aside!"

"Another invader? But, _I'm _in charge of this planet!"

"I've heard," Hera said, walking closer. "But, now it's mine."

"No one steals planets from Zim!"

The two invaders glared at each other, faces so close that if they had noses, they would've touched.

"Can't we all just get along?" Gir yelled, falling to his knees.

Just then, they heard a strange shriek that seemed to come from the wall at the end of the hallway.

"The Blotch!" the Irkens shouted in unison.

They looked at each other for a moment, then, started running with the help of the spider legs in their PAKs, the SIRs chasing after them. They pushed each other and rammed the other one into the wall, but both kept on going until, at last, they reached the wall at the same time, both panting and out of breath. Gir and Lulu arrived soon after.

They stared at the wall, listening to the strange sounds on the other side.

"What do we do know?" Hera asked.

"We move the wall! It's easy for anyone with my superior strength!" Zim bragged.

Shoving his fingers through the crack on the left side of the wall, he started pulling and straining with all his might. The wall didn't budge. Both Irkens started pulling on it, and still not so much as a pebble was displaced.

Behind them, Gir and Lulu were looking at mural of a dragon, its claws bound with chains. Strange words of an unknown tongue were beneath it.

"What's that?" Lulu asked, putting a finger on the first word. Just then, the mural slid back, then into the wall. The Irkens watched in amazement, embarrassed that they had been trying to open the wrong wall.

And behind the wall, on a throne made of stone, sat the Blotch. Fatter, stinkier, uglier, (and wiser?) than ever before. He drooled and gurgled and grunted, eyes rolling around aimlessly in their sockets and tongue sticking out. (Could he possibly be related to Bloaty?)

The four stood silently staring at the obese monstrosity, eyes wide and mouths hanging slightly agape. _This_ was their chance for world-domination?

Suddenly, Zim screamed in mental agony, pulling at his antennae and falling to his knees. "This is the ingenious Blotch! This! THIS! That stupid statue tricked me! Why! Why! Why!" Zim started smacking his head. "The Tallest are gonna kill me! How will I ever take over this planet?"

Hera, thinking she may as well take a chance, walked forward, stepping over Zim, who was now rolling around on the floor, and bowed to the Blotch. "Tell us your wisdom, O Blotch! What do you know?"

The Blotch simply made that squeaky kind of sound you hear when you slowly let the air out of a balloon. So Lulu came forward.

"Let me try!" she said, swatting her Master away. "Ooga booga dookie doo! Scream, snort, cough!"

And the Blotch wiggled his toes.

"Gir, you're our only hope," Zim croaked weakly from the floor.

Gir stood there a moment, looking at the spooky fat man, then, walked bravely forward. He took a deep breath, then, started giggling insanely. And after that, he made all sorts of other sounds. He coughed, he cackled, he barked, he howled.

And the Blotch shrieked and yelled in reply. Turning slowly around, Gir addressed everyone. "The Blotch has spoken!" He skipped forward, proud of his success, then, announced, "The Blotch says that deep underground is a nasty dragon chained up in a cage. It will obey anyone who rescues it." And Gir explained the exact location of where to dig.

Zim was so impressed by Gir's first display of intelligence, he exclaimed, "Wonderful, Gir!" Gir smiled, until he added, "But, you're still not as smart as me." Turning to Hera, he said, smirking, "Well, it looks like my robot has found the answer! Ha! So you just go on home so I can conquer this pathetic, dirt-ball!"

Zim swatted at her, but she smacked his hand. "I'm not going to leave that easily! I can build a better…digger…thingy…than you!"

"We'll see about that!" Zim stuck out his tongue and walked arrogantly away, Gir following.

"I'll show you," Hera whispered to herself. "You'll see!"


	6. The Dragon is Unleashed

Chapter 6: The Dragon is Unleashed

And now, here we are back to the part I explained at the beginning of my story. Zim was building a big drill that could dig all the way down to, as he liked to call it, "The Dragon of Doom". Not a very creative name, but he considered it satisfactory. But, now I'll tell you what was going on at the same time, but was not mentioned earlier on.

In Dib's basement, (to the big-headed boy's disappointment, Professor Membrane conveniently didn't return from work until after all of this was over) Hera was also building a drill to get to the "Destructor Dude", as Lulu called it. As she worked, Lulu sang little ditties about "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" and other such things (which I, the author, don't own).

Hera hammered away, day and night, invoking Gaz's wrath (until she "accidentally" swallowed enough sleeping pills to keep her snoring for quite some time, courtesy of Lulu holding the creepy girl's nose until she gasped for breath and had medicine crammed down her throat, luckily not enough to kill her).

And back to Zim, who was working furiously, teeth clenched and with a big vein pulsing on his forehead, which kind of creeped out Gir, who was hanging upside down from the wires in the ceiling.

"I'm a possum!" Gir screamed happily.

"Be quiet!" Zim yelled, almost burning himself with a small laser he was using.

And back to Hera, who was much calmer than Zim after meditating and doing tai chi. Behind her, Lulu, who had just finished yodeling, was singing at the top of her voice and quite off key.

_"In the Big Rock Candy Mountain, you never change your socks!"_

Upstairs, Dib turned up the volume on the TV, while Gaz slept and drooled.

_"And little streams of alcohol come tricklin' down the rocks!"_

Dib growled in frustration. Why did this stupid alien have to work here, of all places?

_"Oh, the shacks all have to tip their hands and the railroad bulls are blind!"_

Zim was putting some wires beneath his big machine together, Gir giggling hysterically as if this was funny, getting an odd look from the little Irken.

_"There's a lake of stew and ginger ale, too!"_

Hera worked on sharpening the drill's blades. Upstairs, Dib gave up trying to hear the TV and went upstairs.

_"And you can paddle all around it in a big canoe!"_

In Zim's lab, the finishing touches were complete, and in Dib's basement, Hera thrust her fists up in the air in triumph.

_"In the Big Rock Candy Mountaaaaaiiiiiiin!"_

"I am done!" Zim shrieked.

"Fear my buildyness!" yelled Hera.

And the two invaders started bringing their drills to the site of excavation, which (much to Dib's anger any moment now) was Dib's backyard. As you would think, Hera got there first and started the drill quite some time before Zim (who was trying to make a very disobedient piggy-disguised hover carrier bring it to where he wanted).

Later, Dib was watching outside as Zim arrived in the backyard, staring in disbelief at the already started hole. (Aww. All his hard work went to waste.) Glaring at the abyss for a moment, Zim got out the legs from his PAK and jumped into the hole followed by Gir.

Hera jumped as Zim landed in the huge cavern behind her. Shortly after, Gir landed with such a crash, his head popped off and rolled away.

"Looks like I got here first!" Hera yelled from where she sat on the dragon's claw.

Zim didn't reply. He was staring in awe at the immense beast. The thing was easily the size of Ultra Peepi or even larger. It was covered in crimson scales with a golden belly. Immense wings were folded over its back.

After hearing no answer, Hera jumped onto Lulu's head to be flown up to a giant padlock high above them, resting on a pillar, to which all the chains led. Zim realized he needed to get there first, so yelled to Gir, "Come back here! We need to get there before them!"

Gir was wandering around, trying to find his head. Finally, he grabbed it and put it back on. Zim ran and jumped onto his head. "Fly, Gir, fly!"

And so, after regaining his balance, Gir did just that. He zoomed up towards the ceiling and landed clumsily on the padlock, which Hera was already working to break.

Zim growled at her; she didn't even look up. Both of them started trying whatever they could to open the lock. They used lasers and missiles, slowly cracking the thing, until it finally split in two.

Below them, the dragon got up, the chains sliding from its legs. It spread its wings and shook, stretching after such a long time bound up. Hera squealed with delight and jumped onto its head.

"Hello, Mr. Dragon? How's life?" she asked.

No answer.

Zim flew down on Gir's head to land before the dragon and the grinning Hera. "I have rescued you, beast! Now do my bidding!"

Hera growled, "_I_ rescued him! See, I even gave him a name! Yeo! Isn't that good for something I thought of off the top of my head? Now, Yeo, be a dear and kill people for me."

The dragon looked around, unsure of who to obey. The tasty morsel in front of him, or the one nestled on top of his cranium. What a tough decision.

The girl Irken jumped down next to Zim. "Come on, Yeo! Come to mommy!"

"No! Obey Zim!"

"You love me, and I love you!"

"No! Me!"

The dragon looked from one to the other. They both yelled at him, asking for his assistance. He could only help one…but he could also help neither. Liking this latter idea, Yeo got up and flew upward out of the hole. (Dib wished he had the camera when he saw the dragon fly past.) As a dragonling, he had heard tales of many delicious snacks on this planet, and he wanted to try them all.

And down below Dib's house, the Irkens and their robots looked at each other dumbly, then chose to follow the creature as quickly as possible.


	7. A Cruddy Ending

Author's Note: The girl in the first paragraph is me friend, Christina, and she's drawing me other friend Rekka-the-insane-wolf-demon. They gave me permission to put them in me fic. And the names Poseidon, Hades, and Cerberus are not my own idea, but the idea of some crazy person who likes to make up fake gods and animals (in case you didn't know). Oh, yeah, and Yeo's my own idea.

Chapter 7: A Cruddy Ending

In MacMeaties, people were talking and gobbling their high calorie foods, unknowing of the monster outside (or their heart slowing down from clogged arteries). (At one of the tables, a girl wearing black clothes and glasses sat drawing a red wolf with a green Irken symbol on its head and a yellow robot with a scissor hand.)

But, all noise stopped as the ground began to shake, grease-caked pots and pans clattering in the kitchen area (Can't you just smell the fat?), and a giant, red claw came down on some cars outside.

The dragon roared loudly, as all dragons do, and people began to run out of the building, some fat people (no offense) getting clogged in the doorway. (Luckily, the girl was able to get out, herself and her drawings unharmed, since I don't dismember my friends.) The rest…well…you don't want to know. Let's just say, they tasted like chicken.

While all of this was happening, Zim, Hera, and their SIRs watched the destruction from afar. The dragon was destroying everything. Before long, there would be nothing to conquer, no one to enslave, and the Irkens did not like this one bit.

By now, Zim had realized unleashing giant hamsters and giant dragons upon the Earth was not such a good idea. He glanced at Hera, who was staring at the beast in awe.

"Aww, Yeo's all grown up," she sniffed, wiping away a tear.

"We have to stop it!" Zim exclaimed.

"Why? He's doing such a good job! And it's a 'he', not an 'it'!"

He shook his head. "Whatever! As I was saying, we have to stop it from destroying the planet! The Tallest want a new landfill or parking garage, not a desolate hunk of dirt unworthy of their presence! And there would be no human slaves! We NEED slaves!"

"I see. Hmm."

Just then, an amazing idea popped up in Zim's amazing head. And from his amazing mouth came these amazing words, "I was just thinking. Whoever can stop the dragon should get this planet!"

"But, I can't hurt Yeo! He's my baby!" Hera cried.

"Do you want the planet or not?"

Hera was silent a moment, then said quietly, "I guess. But, we need to kill him gently, 'kay?"

"Yes, yes, I will, for _I _will be the one to stop him!" And with that, Zim stuck out his tongue and ran away. It took a few minutes for Gir to realize he was supposed to follow.

A little while later, as Hera saw Zim's Voot Cruiser fly overhead, she realized she didn't stand a chance without a ship.

"Dang it!" she hissed. She stared grumpily at Zim's ship, then, decided to try her luck anyway.

Meanwhile, Zim flew quickly towards the dragon. It was currently stomping on the ugly kids at the Skool. But, to his dismay, Ms. Bitters hissed at him, so he left her alone.

Zim bared his teeth, growling, "Watch out, beast! Zim is coming!"

When he was within range, he shot lasers at the dragon. It swatted at him as if he were a fly. From below, Hera came and instructed Lulu to shoot it with everything she had. Yeo simply flicked them, sending the two flying through the air until they struck the wall of a building.

The lasers and other such weapons seemed to have no effect on the dragon's tough hide. Zim needed a different approach. After a little bit of thinking, he thought of a completely different idea.

A few minutes later, Hera opened her eyes to see Zim looking down at her.

"I have an owie," she informed him.

"And I've got a booboo!" Lulu yelled, sitting up.

"I have a proposition for you, girl monster," he said.

"You're giving up already?" Hera asked as Lulu helped her to her feet.

Zim snorted. "The mighty Zim never gives up! But, I don't feel like wasting my time on this creature and dirtying my soon-to-be kingdom with dragon blood. Why don't you leave and take the dragon with you somewhere else?"

"But, my shippy's broken! And I lost it!" Hera yelled.

Desperate to be rid of her, he said grumpily, "I'll find it and fix it for you! Then, you can go!"

Hera stared at him, then, towards her beloved Yeo. Finally, she grinned and shouted, "Okey dokey! You're so sweet, Zimmy-poo!"

As Hera hugged his head tightly, he yelled in a muffled voice, "You do not touch Zim or insult his name!" and pushed her away.

The Irken dude then ran back to his ship and flew back into the air. As he flew back over the dragon, his ship dropped a gigantic net (don't know how a net of such size fit in his ship, though) on the dragon. It wrapped around it so tightly, the beast could not break free.

"Well, now that that's over with…" Zim let Hera and Lulu into the Voot Cruiser and they went off in search of her ship, while the dragon lay behind, thinking, Oh, no! Not again!

"Where did you crash?" Zim asked.

Lulu yelled, "In an enchanted forest, full of sprites and pixies!"

"Actually," Hera explained, "we crashed in an orchard, full of clowns and leprechauns."

So they flew a little while until they found just what they were looking for (minus the clowns and leprechauns). After landing, they all disembarked and Hera started leading them to her downed piece of junk.

During their short journey, Hera pointed out a mushroom that had supposedly visited the Underworld and a rock she had named Poseidon. Both of these earned her odd looks from Zim and fits of giggling from Gir. Lulu nodded solemnly at everything her Master said.

When they got to something that vaguely resembled a giant tin can, Hera spread her arms wide, announcing that they had reached her ship, destroyed by a mere glass of eggnog.

Zim proceeded to fix Hera's ship. I'll spare you the details; they were boring, since Zim didn't know what he was doing at first.

About two hours later, Hera was finishing her story (called Mike the Mushroom's Travels to the Underworld and Canada) and Zim had fixed her ship. "…And then Mike spoke with Hades, and they played chess. Later, after eating some pie, Mike said good-bye and pet Cerberus…."

"I'm done!" Zim yelled, interrupting Hera's tale.

"Wow! You took forever!" Hera examined her ship, now looking nothing like a tin can anymore.

"I deserve a thank you!"

"Thanks! Now I gotta go! Venus is waiting!" Hera got into her Voot Cruiser followed by Lulu. "Ta-ta!" Waving briefly, she flew off to retrieve Yeo.

Gir waved as she left, but Zim didn't, being the grumpy, little chap that he is. "Well," he sighed, "I guess I'll need a new plan."

"Maybe da hobo can help us s'more!" Gir chirped.

"I don't think so," Zim said bluntly. "Come, Gir!"

As they walked back to their own ship, Gir made sure to say good-bye to Mike and Poseidon. Back in the Voot Cruiser, they flew back home to continue their plans for world domination.

On a side note, Professor Membrane came home. Even after Dib explained about the aliens and the dragon, the Professor's explanation for it all (even after seeing the dragon on the news) was simply, "It was just swamp gas."

Yeo was sleeping peacefully in a big bubble hanging from Hera's ship. And obviously, inside the ship was Hera and Lulu. Hera was steering, like she should be, and Lulu was staring sadly out the window, her face reflected in the glass.

"I'll miss them," she said softly.

"Me, too."

"Do you think we'll ever see them again?" Lulu asked.

Hera shrugged, "I don't know."

They flew on silently. To Lulu, it didn't' look like they were moving. Hour after hour, the outside was the same. Blackness and stars, that's all. The only difference was that Earth had disappeared from view quite some time ago.

Lulu sighed. "We won't even see the big-headed boy again."

Hera's antennae went back at hearing how sad her partner sounded. After a few moments, she grinned and laughed, "But, hey, look on the bright side! At least we got a souvenir!"

And Lulu smiled as they flew away towards their new destination. It's funny what can happen when you forget to bring a map.


End file.
